Chapters 0 - 18:
I need to be honest, maybe not everyone els, but to myself...
Im not sure why this had to happen to me, why i had to ebcome this person, i feel confused all the time about it, why it was me not somebody else, thing is everyone sees me as something im not, im trying so hard, but ive got to let go now...
i wish i could just be happy, but i never am, im a good actress, but never fully happy, why does this have to happen to me, what did i do?
Now its time to embark on another stage of my life, im going to be happy, i willtry so hard to achieve this, i need to be slimmer to be happy though, i cannot use this as an excuse to become ill again though, i need to be sensible and realise that i need to be healthy, happy and at last love myself.
The past still hurts me more than i could ever explain, my mums drinking, her hurting us physcially and emotionally, never good enough, nothing was ever good enough...ever! homework, house work, being a daughter a sister a carer....nothing was ever enough, and now its too late, im no longer that little girl trying to please everyone, eatting down her feelings...one more cake, one more biscuit, one more sandwich...and then everything will be ok....it wasnt going to happen..
Im not sure of the first time i felt i wasnt good enough, when i didnt feel beautiful, why i didnt feel enough for anyone, friends, family, boyfriends...i dont know when it all started.
I remember being eight years old and standing on the scales and seeing 8stone7lbs and feeling 'fat' until then i hadnt really thought about my weight, it had been an something of no importance to me, i was a child, all i cared about was toys and playing in the green...but no more now i felt i had failed in another aspect of my life...another reason everyone was angry at Rachael another reason why she wasnt good enough..
He cheated on you. I always wanted other girls, you wernt enough, you wernt good enough...never good enough....why did she think this..?
The hours you cried, the hours you spent looking into a toilet bowl, counting, remembering, drowing in an obsession that was killing you. You felt weak, tired, out of control but still you had to do it....something made you, that eight year old little girls voice was driving you deeper and deeper into this...you just kept falling..why?
Your an adult now. You have the right to change what happens now, you make your own decisions, you can control your life, your weight, your happiness.
This isnt a diet, this isnt even a lifestyle change, this is you showing everyone in your life, your in control, your not controlled by anyone, your parents, friends, boyfriends, or that childs voice in your head, telling you you will never make it...there wrong this time you will, you will climb that inner wall, you will win the battle, you will be victorious, you will be happy.
Why do you still feel yourself slipping time and time again, you act so strong but still you struggle, theres no one there to talk to, no one who understands and no one who will pull you out of this struggle, everyday you struggle with the thoughts of him with another girl, hugging her, kissing her, holding her hands, and being happier, then coming back to you to play out 'happy couples' , you still cant be certain if its you he wants, or if hes here because he knows your completly in love with him, because in your eyes no one else would love you, did they love you in the past?
You need to move on, get Rachael back, stop living in this shell, become your own person, you need to shed all this that you hold onto, the pain, the hurt, the uncertainty, the worry...you need to let it go, and become the person you want to be...your not the over-achiever, the bulimic, the daughter of an alcoholic, the griever of a lost sister, the subject of abuse, the mess thats left by him...you are strong.
You will take this opportunity and will spread your wings and fly, shes watching over you now, shes your angel, she will guide you and keep you safe, be her big sister and make her proud.

Chapter 18-19 - These days are now in your hands...be the controller of your own destiny..